


Mommie Dearest

by schehrezade2005



Category: Doctor Who, IT Crowd
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-25
Updated: 2012-08-26
Packaged: 2017-11-12 20:23:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/495300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/schehrezade2005/pseuds/schehrezade2005
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mum's the word as mothers come to visit the IT Crowd crew and everyone learns something new about their co-workers that they may have already known or may not have ever wanted to know. Sequel to Chuck Versus The IT Crowd.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It's A Bird...

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: I do not own The IT Crowd, its characters, or anything therein related to the show. 
> 
> Rated Teen for some language and sexual innuendos. Blatant Roy/Jen shipping. Leave some love if you liked it or not.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jen's morning routine is disrupted. Will Roy be her knight in shining armor?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I do not own The IT Crowd, its characters, or anything therein related to the show.

Jen glared at herself in the mirror as the put the finishing touches on her makeup and hair. There was one particular piece of hair that would not stay flat and she had been raking a comb through her hair for the last five minutes trying to get it to cooperate.  
Groaning in dismay, she tossed the comb into the sink and picked up a barrette from the counter. She carefully gathered her hair behind her ear and secured it with the barrette. Picking up a second barrette, she repeated the procedure with the other side.  
"There!" she smiled, satisfied with her reflection. Turning to exit the bathroom, she felt a woosh of air and something hit her head. Instinctively, she reached behind her and found something soft and feathery clinging to the back of her hair. Wings flapped wildly and she screamed as she pried the bird from her head and fled from the bathroom, shutting the door behind her. Damn flat having no adequate ventilation! It must have flown in through the window she opened after her shower.  
She knew she couldn't go to work and leave the bird in her bathroom...and especially not after she had ruined her hair.  
Taking a deep breath, she carefully opened the door to see if the bird was still there. It was, sitting on the toilet. She guessed it was a pigeon because it was cooing softly. Reaching toward it, she slowly approached it and tried to grab the pigeon to throw it back outside where it belonged. Startled, the pigeon rose from its nest on the toilet and again tangled itself in Jen's hair. Jen screamed and shook her head wildly, batting furtively at the bird.  
"Get off! GET OFF!!!" she screamed. She launched herself back out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind her, the bird having freed itself from her hair. There was a fresh smear of poop on the shoulder of her blazer - damn, and this was the new one!!  
It was no use. She couldn't do this by herself, but she wasn't so sure she would be able to get someone...anyone...to help her.  
***  
The phone rang and buzzed as Jen's number flashed on the caller ID.  
"Hello Jen!" Moss said gleefully as he answered the phone.  
"Moss? Moss, oh thank god you answered. I need some help, you see..."  
"Is it a computer problem?" Moss interrupted as he picked up a breakfast tray from the kitchen counter. "You should really phone Roy..."  
"No! No, no. Not a computer problem," she laughed. "It's just I have a bird in the bathroom. It flew in the window and I can't get it to go back out again."  
"Oh that's simple Jen! Have you tried the ladder?"  
"Ladder? What ladder?"  
"The one I gave you for Christmas."  
Jen paused. She didn't remember getting a ladder from Moss. She walked quickly to her bedroom and began pulling things out of the closet, looking for the unopened gift.  
"It's the same design as the moth ladder," Moss continued. "I've just adjusted it to make it usable by anything that happens to get stuck in the tub."  
"Uh huh..." All the boxes she seemed to find were only filled with shoes and nothing resembling a holiday gift.  
"Really simple, Jen. Just let it use the ladder to get out the window and everything will be fine."  
"Right, right..." she said absent-mindedly. "Thanks for your help, Moss."  
"Surely. Anytime. Now, I must really get off the phone and get mother her breakfast. She's caught a nasty cold and needs to be kept hydrated."  
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I hope she feels better."  
"Thank you. Goodbye now, Jen."  
"Bye," she sighed glumly.  
***  
Roy was listening to his iPod when the phone rang. He hoped it was Jen or Moss explaining why they weren't in yet. Mostly, he was hoping it wasn't another call. He'd successfully managed to avoid going up to fourth floor for the better part of an hour and wanted to see how long he could wait.  
"Hello, IT. Have you tried..."  
"Roy! Thank god you answered!" Jen gasped into the phone.  
"Jen?"  
"I've gotten myself into a little bit of a bind. You see this bird flew into my bathroom as I was leaving and now I can't get it to get back out again. I'm afraid to leave and have it be in there all day, just shitting on everything...and what if it swallows something? Oh god, what if it swallows my earrings?" She paused. "I'm screwed!" she wailed.  
Roy ran a hand back and forth through his hair. He wasn't sure if this was just a pretext to get him to come over or if she genuinely had gotten herself into trouble (which, he reminded himself, she did quite frequently) and needed a hand. She did sound awfully distressed. He was relieved of this line of though when he felt his mobile buzz in his pocket. Pulling it out of his pocket, he saw Moss was calling. "Jen can you hold on a moment?" he asked, and put her on hold without waiting for a reply and answered the mobile.  
"Moss? Where the bloody hell are you? Don't tell me you are on holiday again," he sighed into the phone.  
"No, no. Mother is ill and I must take care of her or she will not remain properly hydrated. I've just called to say that I got the strangest call from Jen. She says there is a bird in her bathroom and she can't get it out," Moss said matter of factly.  
"Uh huh...yes, I've just gotten the same call..."  
"I think it's just a pretext to get me over there so that she can do dirty things to me...sexual things, Roy. Can you imagine?"  
He could, but he wasn't going to tell Moss this.  
"You don't think for a moment that she could possibly be telling the truth?'"  
"That's just silly, Roy. How many women do you know that call to tell you they have a bird in their bathroom that are telling the truth?" Moss reasoned.  
"Not a lot," Roy admitted. "But she did sound rather distressed when she rang me."  
"I think it's all a lie, Roy. Just ignore her and she'll be in when she realizes that she can't seduce you. Besides, if she is telling the truth, she ought just use the ladder I got her for Christmas."  
"Ladder, what...did you give her one of your moth ladders?"  
"Yes, I did. She told me it was a very thoughtful gift."  
"Uh huh..."  
"Good luck with your Jen problem. Just called to warn you."  
"Bye Moss."  
Roy hung up the mobile and sat for a moment with his unshaven chin in his hand. Regardless of whether she was telling the truth, they were workmates and he did feel some obligation to help her out. And if she wasn't, there wasn't really any harm in getting some action, was there?  
"Yeah, Jen? You still there?"  
"This is an emergency Roy! How dare you put me on hold! Who was that on the other line? Was it Douglas? Was it one of the girls from seventh?" she demanded angrily. "Oh god, Douglas!" she gasped.  
"Calm down, Jen. I'll come over."  
"Oh, will you? Thank you Roy! Thank you!"  
"I'll be right over, kay? Try not to cause any more damage before I get there."  
Roy sighed as he hung up the phone and grabbed his coat off the coat rack. Just as he was going out the door he turned back and turned on the message machine to answer calls while he was gone. Depending on how long he was gone, he might be able to pass it off as a long lunch.  
Moments after he left, Richmond appeared out of the back room and looked around, forlorn.  
"Where did everyone go? I hope they're not having fun without me."  
***  
Roy knocked loudly on the door to Jen's flat. He had taken his time getting to her place, stopping to pick up some chocolates and wine, in case it really was a pretext to get him over there. Jen yanked open the door, her red hair a tangled mess of knots, mascara dripping from around her eyes, giving her the appearance of a mad ginger raccoon.  
"Hi Jen," Roy grinned. "Heard you had a bit of a bird problem..."  
"YES! Get in here now before it ruins another one of my rugs!" she screeched, yanking him inside by the collar. He tumbled into the entry to her flat, trying not to drop the wine and chocolates, and followed her as she dragged him toward her bathroom. He noticed that she had several smears of bird poop on her blazer and privately wondered why she hadn't removed it.  
"It's in here," she whispered as she opened the bathroom door. The two peered into the bathroom though the gap and beheld the pigeon, now sitting in the sink. "Can you see it? The little shit monster that ruined my bathroom and my new blazer." She closed the door abruptly and rounded on Roy. "New! New, Roy! Do you know how may pounds this cost!?"  
He put his large hands on her arms and slowly pulled off her blazer. "If it cost so much, you ought wash it," he said gently. She blinked up at him, her lower lip trembling. "No use crying over spilt milk, Jen. I came to help and I'm going to help you the best I can." He reached into the bag of chocolate and offered her a piece, which she took. She slid to the floor, her back against the wall as she nibbled on the chocolate.  
"Now, Moss called and said something about a ladder?"  
"Moss called you? Oh god..." She took a larger bite of chocolate. "I can't find the ladder he gave me, Roy."  
Roy laughed. He couldn't help it, she just seemed so small and sad...and there was something about her that was almost pretty though she was a wreck. He squatted down beside her and cupped her face in his hands. "Cheer up, Jen. I'll help you look."  
"But I've looked absolutely everywhere!" she sighed, gesturing to the piles of boxes, clothes, shoes, and other articles littering the available floor space.  
"They say it's always the last place you look, don't they?"  
***  
Almost an hour later, Jen had eaten all of the chocolate and Roy had gotten buried in what he was pretty sure were millions of pairs of shoes, but they were no closer to finding Moss's gift.  
"Are you sure it was a box and not a bag?" Roy asked as he shoved another pile of clothes off of her bed.  
"Yes, I'm sure!" came Jen's muffled reply from the adjoining room. "It was a large box wrapped in plain brown paper bags..."  
"But what color was the box, Jen? It's not still wrapped is it?"  
There was a long pause. Jen's face appeared around the corner of the door frame. Roy sat heavily on the space he had cleared on the bed.  
"There was no need - Moss told me what it was cause he couldn't wait for me to open it," she said quietly. Her eyes darted around the room, nervous.  
"You never opened it? You never...Jen! It could be anywhere! It could still be in your office for all we know!"  
Jen's face changed to a look of vague recognition. "Oh dear."  
"Well?"  
"Roy, I think it's still in my office..." she trailed off and stared into space as she sank down beside him on the bed. "I'm such an idiot."  
"An idiot that owns a lot of shoes she's never going to wear," Roy grimaced as he pulled a Manolo from under his thigh. "There has to be a way to get the bird out without Moss's damn ladder...like a net...Jen, I have an idea.  
She faced him frowning. "I'm not going to like this, am I?"  
***  
Douglas strode confidently down the hallway on his way to the IT Department. He straightened his tie as he moved into the department only to find it...empty. He looked right to the two empty desks where they two nerds normally sat (what were there names again? oh, who cares!) and then to the left into Jen's empty office.  
"Where the bloody hell is everyone?" he shouted to no one in particular, hands on his hips.  
A door opened to the left behind one of the desks and a pale man with bleached hair walked out and stood in the doorway. Douglas thought his name might have been Roger or Roland or something like that.  
"May I help you?" Richmond asked moodily.  
"Yes, where are Jen and..." Douglas gestured at the empty desks. "Those other guys?"  
"I've no idea," Richmond brooded. "Roy was here for a while, but he received an urgent call and left rather quickly. Something about a bird..." He turned dramatically to stare up at the ceiling. Douglas looked up with him, trying to figure out what Richmond was looking at. "Do you have a computer problem?" Richmond said suddenly turning back to Douglas.  
"No, no, Richie, I have a relationship problem and I need to speak with Jen."  
"She's out of the office at the moment. Can't imagine where she would be..." Richmond stared dramatically at the ceiling again.  
"Well, would you tell her I dropped by? It's a most urgent matter." Douglas straightened his tie and left the room with a flourish.  
"Most unusual..." Richmond sighed as he went back through the red door. "Most unusual."  
***  
"Are you ready?" Roy asked, positioning himself close to Jen.  
"I think so...do you really think this will work?" She closed her hand around the doorknob to the bathroom.  
"Of course it will work. Better than the ladder idea anyway. Whoever heard of a pigeon climbing a ladder?" he scoffed. He gripped a makeshift net made from a broom and some of Jen's torn stockings. She had protested mightily to ruining her stockings, but she couldn't argue when Roy pointed out that she had 'about a million and a half' of them and one pair wasn't going to kill her.  
"Good point. Okay, on the count of three. One...two...three!"  
Jen threw open the door and Roy rushed in with the net, ready to capture the bird and throw it out the window. But when he entered the bathroom, the bird was nowhere in sight. He glanced toward the sink: no bird. In the tub: no bird. No bird on the toilet, on the shower curtain, next to the window, behind the cupboard, nowhere was there any bird. There were feathers and poop everywhere, but otherwise, no trace of the bird. Roy reached up, closed the window, and sighed as he put the broom against the wall.  
"All clear."  
Jen peeked into the bathroom, her fingers curled around the door jam. "It's gone."  
"Except for all this bird shit," Roy exclaimed gesturing at the bathroom. Jen bobbed her head affirmatively as she moved into the doorway and continued to glance around the bathroom.  
"This is such an awful pickle I've gotten myself into isn't it?"  
"No worse than usual," Roy shrugged and smiled. Jen smiled back.  
"Thank you for helping me today."  
"Oh, sure. Sure. No..no problem really." Roy ran a hand through his hair. Though Jen still looked a mess, she had noticeably perked up when she realized that her unexpected visitor was gone. "Best be going now," he nodded as he tried to fit past her.  
"Oh, sorry..." She put her hands on his arms as he got caught between the frame and her small body. She let out a slow breath as he looked down at her. Jen could feel his muscles under his thin t-shirt as she ran her hands up and down his arm and looked up into his clear eyes. His hands moved slowly up from his sides until they rested on her waist.  
Roy leaned closer. Underneath the bird smell, she smelled faintly of green apple shampoo. Jen stretched up, intoxicated by the smell of Roy's cologne. Their faces were inches apart when there was a buzzing ring coming from Roy's jeans pocket.  
"Oh..I should get that..." he said breaking her gaze to reach for the mobile phone. "Hello?" He paused and covered the mouthpiece. "It's Moss," he mouthed as he squeezed past her into the hallway. "No, no, it was nothing like that...What made you think...oh right, because we should always believe everything we see in the movies...are you INSANE?" Roy shouted.  
Jen sighed and stared after him for a moment before turning back to the filthy bathroom. She was definitely going to have to hire someone to clean up this mess, because she certainly wasn't going to do it herself.


	2. Mum's the Word

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Douglas's mother is in town and he's determined to use Jen to make a good Impression. Jen finally figures out what IT means.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I do not own The IT Crowd, its characters, or anything therein related to the show.

Moss and Roy sat at their respective desks, Moss furiously typing away and Roy engaged in the latest issue of Mustard, when Jen breezed into the department and immediately into her office, the door closing with a bang behind her.

"She's in a mood this morning," Moss remarked not looking away from his screen. "Do you think it's Aunt Irma again?" He snuck a peek at Roy, who hadn't moved from his position with his feet propped up on the desk since his arrival. Roy responded by grunting and turning a page of the magazine.

"You're right. It's probably something much worse."

"What's worse than Aunt Irma?" Roy asked, still not looking up.

"Well, you never did tell me what happened with the 'bird'..." Moss put air quotes around the word.

"It really was a bird, Moss" Roy said in a rush, "A bloody pigeon that made a complete mess of the bathroom and made a complete arse out of me."

"Right the 'bird' made a fool out of you. You want me to think that you didn't make a fool of yourself?"

"I didn't, Moss, I went to get the bird out and it was gone."

"Thus supporting my theory that saying there was a bird was merely a pretext to get you to her flat and sex you up."

"There was no sexing, none! It was incredibly un-sexy situation, even when I did..." Roy trailed off.

Moss leaned forward in his chair. "Even when you did what, Roy?"

"Nothin'. Nothin'. I don't want to talk about it." He took his feet off the desk and sat hunched over with the magazine covering his face.

"Then something DID happen didn't it? Come on Roy, tell me, tell me!"

"Nothing happened Moss! Forget I said anything!"

"Well, I can't now. Come on."

"I said I don't. Want. To. Talk. About. IT." Roy emphasized each word as he spoke.

"Talk about what?" Jen inquired, emerging from her office and standing in the doorway.

"Roy was talking about what happened with the 'bird'," Moss grinned.

"For the last time Moss, there really was a bird, it really did make a mess of my bathroom, and it really..." she trailed off.

"It really what Jen? Did it make you hot under the collar?" he winked.

Jen's eyes darted briefly toward Roy, who was still obscured behind Mustard. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Fine, don't tell me. But I will find out about this whole bird business, believe you me, I will find out."

Jen scoffed and walked toward the men. "But I do want to talk about something else."

"Talk about what Jen?" Moss asked, suddenly serious. "Will I need to change my glasses for this?"

"No, no, not necessary. It's just that...something has come up that will require a lot of my attention...at least for a little while," she sighed heavily. Roy's eyes appeared above the magazine. "My...mum...is coming for a visit..."

Roy and Moss both stared at her. "Your mum! How delightful!" Moss exclaimed. "I should like to ask her questions about you as a child. My mum and I could do lunch with you and your mum."

"Oh, no, that's really quite thoughtful, Moss, really," Jen smiled wringing her hands, "but I'm afraid she must not meet either of you, nor must she set foot inside this building."

"And why is that? Do we embarrass you or something? You're going to hide us in the basement like everyone else?" Roy spat as he threw the magazine on the desk. "That's just great, you know? Just wonderful."

"No, no!" Jen said hurriedly. "That's not it at all, it's actually..."

"Hello Jen!" Douglas announced as he breezed into the department. "You've been avoiding me, you saucy minx."

"Douglas..." Jen nodded toward him and stepped away as he tried to move closer.

"I've been meaning to speak with you, actually, can we step into your office?"

"Of course," Jen said cheerily, pasting a fake smile on her face as she gestured him inside.

"Oh no, after you, I insist." Douglas smiled back, leering.

Jen cleared her throat, straightened her blazer, and stepped into her office, Douglas behind her, watching her bottom as she walked. The door closed soundly behind them. Moss and Roy stared at the door for a moment before Roy again picked up his magazine.

"I have to know what's going on in there," Moss said determined.

"Let it alone, Moss. No meddling."

"I'm not meddling," Moss scoffed, obviously offended. "Something secretive is going on and I want to know what it is!" he stood up dramatically and scurried toward the door, pressing his ear close to hear the conversation on the other side.

***

"So Jen," Douglas began as the two sat down. "I've a very important question to ask you...very important. So important, your answer will change your life forever." He leaned forward, leering. "And mine."

Jen settled in her chair, feeling safer behind her desk, hands folded in front of her. "And what question is that, Douglas?" she asked clearing her throat. Please don't be a marriage proposal, please don't be a marriage proposal, she prayed silently. 

"My mother is going to be in town and I would desperately love for you to meet her."

Jen stared at him. "You what?"

"My mother is going to be in town and I would love for you to meet her."

"No, no, I heard you. I'm just..unsure as to what you want."

"I want you to meet my mother. So that I can introduce her to my new wife."

"Oh? Did you get remarried?"

"My mother thinks so...and after I overcame all of those awful accusations about murdering my first wife!"

"You murdered your first wife?" Jen's eyes widened.

"No no! All nonsense and rumors! Of course! No, Jen, I told my mother you were my wife."

Jen stared at him, dumbfounded. "You what?"

On the other side of the door, Moss was still straining to hear what was going on.

"Well? What have you found out?" Roy asked.

"Shh! Roy, I can't hear anything!"

"Yes, and it couldn't possibly be because there's a door in the way."

"SHHH!"

Jen stood up from her desk and smoothed her skirt. "Thank you Douglas, I will consider your offer."

"Of course! Dinner is at five o'clock tonight. I'll pick you up at five thirty."

Jen shook her head, slightly confused at Douglas' manner, and showed him to the door. Moss stepped back quickly as the door opened.

"You've made me a very happy man, Jen. Very happy indeed." Douglas winked at her as he exited the department.

"So Jen? What have you done to make Douglas so happy?" Roy asked, clearly amused.

"He wants me to meet his mother. He told her I'm his wife."

Moss and Roy stared at her. "Unbelievable!" Moss exclaimed. "Doesn't he know that you're my wife?"

"Moss, that was just for the one night. It's over now."

"But what about our two children, Zenith and Quasar?"

"Moss, for the last time, you don't have to keep up this farce."

"Only pulling your leg, Jen."

Jen sighed and slumped against the doorframe. "I'm in real trouble."

***

Jen knew the instant she got into Douglas' car that whatever she was wearing was most certainly not the right choice. But that could have been due to the dour look on the first Mrs. Reynholm's face. Otherwise Jen thought she looked a little like Queen Elizabeth and Vanessa Redgrave.

"Is this her?" the older woman spat. 

"Yes, mother, this is Jen. My wife."

Jen didn't like the way he put an emphasis on 'wife'.

"Then why are we picking her up at some crappy little flat?

Jen was taken aback. She liked her little flat...then again, now that Douglas knew where she lived, she was probably going to have to move again. She definitely hadn't been smart about this.

"We're exploring our options, mother. Jen is much friskier than she looks." Douglas winked at Jen and she frowned.

"You were always such a womanizer, Douglas, I'm surprised she hasn't up and left you yet."

"We have a deep emotional understanding," Douglas said as he took Jen's hand in his. Jen fought the urge to vomit all over the back of the car.

Mrs. Reynholm shifted her gaze from her son to Jen and back. "If you say so, dear," she shrugged. "But don't be surprised if she leaves you like your second wife. Who do I have to screw to get a drink around here?"

"We'll be at the restaurant soon, mother."

Not soon enough, Jen thought. She wasn't going to be able to get through the evening without being completely pissed.

Douglas had reservations at Paris that night, a nice change of pace from his favorite restaurant, The Flappy Duck. Jen was glad, as she wasn't in the mood to eat her wine glass or her cutlery. The three sat around the table in silence, sipping their wine and exchanging awkward glances.

"So Jen," Mrs. Reynholm began, "what is it that you do?"

"I'm the manager of the IT department and the Relationship Manager."

"Hmm..." Mrs. Reynholm sipped her wine thoughtfully. "What does IT stand for?"

Jen paused with her mouth full of wine. Shit, shit, SHIT! she thought. She'd never actually gotten an answer from Moss when she'd asked him after ducking into the bathroom during a job interview...and she wasn't going to be able to claim 'Ich bin ein Nerd'.... "Would you excuse me? I've got to go to the loo...all this wine is running right through me," she flashed a smile and ran a little too quickly away from the table to the restrooms. Locking herself in a stall, she fished her phone out of her bra and dialed.

***

"What is it, Jen?" Roy asked annoyed, balancing his mobile on his shoulder while he continued to engage Moss in their weekly video game night.

"Who is it?" Moss asked.

"It's Jen," Roy sighed.

"Hello Jen!"

"Moss says hello," Roy relayed.

"Hello to Moss. Roy, I need your help," Jen whispered frantically.

"Oh really..." Roy said slowly.

"Yes, you have to tell me what IT means!"

"Come on Roy, get in the game!" Moss said.

Annoyed, Roy paused the game and got up from the couch. "I'm sorry, you want me to what?"

"Roy!" Moss whined.

"I need you to tell me what IT means!" Jen whispered again.

"You don't know what IT means?" Roy laughed. "Jen, you've been working in IT for years now and you still have no clue what it means?"

"Now is not the time, Roy!" Jen's voice was dangerously close to reaching a pitch only dogs could hear. "Mrs. Reynholm asked me what IT means, and I told her I had to take a piss."

"That's original," Roy scoffed. "She wants to know what IT means," he told Moss.

"She doesn't know what IT means? How long has she been working with us?"

"Long enough," Roy shrugged.

"Roy!" Jen screeched. "Tell me!"

"What do you think it means?" Roy asked.

"Something...something...computer...something...hard drive...."

"None of those words start with 'I' or 'T'," Roy pointed out.

"Roy, please, I'm desperate!"

Roy smiled slowly. "You're desperate, are you?"

"Oh my god, this really isn't the time to be taking advantage of me Roy!"

"Isn't it? Isn't it, Jen?"

"Please, Roy, just tell me what it means. I'll...I'll..."

"You'll what?" Roy probed.

"I'll owe you a favor! Anything you want!"

"Anything? Anytime?" 

"Yes! Just tell me what IT means!"

"Okay, okay...IT means infinite terabyte."

"Is that what it really means?" Jen asked slowly.

"Yes, IT means infinite terabyte."

"I don't think that's what it means, Roy."

"That's what IT means, Jen."

"I'll give you 25 quid," Jen frowned.

"Information technology," Roy said quickly and hung up.

Jen looked at the phone, surprised by how abruptly he had hung up, but at least she knew what IT meant...if she could remember what Roy said before he hung up. Information something.... She put the phone back in her bra, straightened her dress, flushed the toilet, exited the stall and made her way back to the table. Maybe she wouldn't have to remember what Roy had said. Maybe Mrs. Reynholm had forgotten what she asked.

"Did you get lost in there?" Mrs. Reynholm asked as Jen sat down.

"No, no, I just...really had to go."

"Hmm...did you figure out what IT means then?"

Jen froze. Shit, she remembered! "Oh, that...uh...IT...IT means information...information terabyte," she finished confidently.

"Is that right?" Mrs. Reynholm asked a she took another sip of her wine. "How interesting....And what is it that you do as the manager of Relationships and IT?"

"I...manage...I...ah...give advice about relationships and...ah...answer questions about computers...."

"She also speaks perfect Italian, mother," Douglas interrupted. "She was instrumental in bringing a big Italian businessman to Reynholm Industries to evaluate the company."

"Have you figured out what exactly the company does yet, Douglas?" Mrs. Reynholm rounded on her son.

"You know mother, I've tried several times to sit down and think about what it is that we do, I just get too bored, you know?"

"No Douglas, I don't know," she sighed. "You're just as unmotivated as your father. He built that company from the ground up with just a dream and £2 million. And you don't seem to have any respect for his memory at all if you can't honor his legacy by remembering what it is the company does!" She drained her glass. "Who do I have to screw around here to get a refill?"

Jen leaned forward. "Do...you...know what Reynholm Industries does, Mrs. Reynholm?"

Mrs. Reynholm turned to stare at Jen. "You don't even know?"

"Well, it didn't come up in my interview with...Douglas' father...quite frankly."

Mrs. Reynholm's face was blank. "You didn't even know what kind of company you were working for when you applied for a job?"

It was Jen's turn to look blankly at Mrs. Reynholm. "It was a job..." she replied slowly. "I submitted my CV to a few places in London and Reynholm Industries was the only one I heard back from...."

"That's pathetic, but I can't blame you for taking the first thing that came you way..." she glanced at Douglas, "which includes my son...."

Jen frowned and took another sip of her wine. A waiter finally came by to refill Mrs. Reynholm's glass. 

"There were others, Mrs. Reynholm," Jen said, suddenly bold. "There were other men before Douglas. In fact," she drained her glass, "there's other men right now!"

Douglas and Mrs. Reynholm stared at Jen, shocked. "Darling," Douglas stammered, "what are you talking about?"

"Mrs. Reynholm, I'm not sure what Douglas told you, but I am living on my own in my own flat, which I find very nice, by the way, because I am not married to your son." She stood up quickly, rattling the wine glasses and the candles in the middle of the table. "I am a confident, beautiful woman who does not need the likes of Douglas Reynholm to give herself a sense of purpose!" She paused."Now, I am going to leave now. It was nice to meet you." As soon as she was out of sight, she smiled to herself.

***

There was a soft knock on the door and at first Roy wasn't sure that someone had been knocking. But as the knocking became persistently louder, he knew he was going to have to get up and answer it.

"I'm coming! I'm coming!" he called as he went toward the door. "God, who is it at this hour?"

He flung open the door, but no one was there. He looked down the hall, but there was still no one there. Looking down, he saw a small white envelope with his name on it. Roy bent down to pick it up and ripped it open at one edge. Inside was £25 and a note that read, 'thanks for tonight'. He smiled and went back inside, closing the door behind him. He was halfway back to bed when there was another knock at the door. Brow furrowed, Roy turned back to answer the door again.

This time there was someone standing on the stoop.

"Mum!"

"Hello Roy. Do you mind if I come in?"


	3. Date Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moss has a blind date. Jen tries speed dating. Roy gets so sick he feels like he's dying, but thankfully his mum is there to take care of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I do not own The IT Crowd, its characters, or anything therein related to the show.

Jen walked into IT and was hanging her coat on the rack as she always did when she noticed something different about the basement room. She turned slowly, surveying the space around her: there were still posters cluttering every inch of available wall space, the shelves full of games and other odds and ends were still there...there was still that third desk where the short-lived fourth IT member had sat....

"Roy's gone," Moss announced somberly, bringing Jen out of here revere.

"No, no, that's not it...Roy's out then?"

"Yes, apparently he has a terrible fever and he's close to death. I think he'll get over it, but when he's ill, he's completely unreasonable."

Jen frowned. "Personally I find him to be that way more often than not...."

"Just as well," Moss continued. "I have a big date tonight and I wanted to consult with him."

"Consult about what exactly?" Jen asked, slowly approaching Moss's desk. "Can I help? I've been on my fair share of dates...and you've helped me out before, I ought to return the favor."

Moss turned to look at her, his face serious. "I don't think you can help me with this, Jen. The subject is not of a nature appropriate for your delicate ears."

Jen paused then nodded. "Right, I suppose not..." she trailed off as she went into her office briefly, then turned and stood in the doorway. She stood for a full minute staring into space before Moss interrupted.

"If you must know, it's a blind date."

"A blind date? You don't know the person you're going out with?"

"No. Also, I'm concerned she may actually be blind and I don't know how to handle a sticky situation like that."

"Well," Jen reasoned, "if she does end up being blind, I'd say don't ask her to look at anything."

"Because she can't see. Right. That's very helpful." Moss nodded.

"Was that all?" Jen asked.

"Yes, thank you Jen."

Jen nodded and disappeared into her office. She sat at her desk, turned on the computer and swiveled mindlessly in her chair waiting for the email to pop up. There were lots of messages in her inbox, most of them from Douglas about this-or-that that were never actually important, so she left them be. She noticed one peculiar message sent from a dating site she had signed up for after the FriendFace disaster. Nervously, she opened the email and skimmed it. Apparently, the site was hosting a speed dating night at a posh bar downtown that night.

"Well," she mused. "That might be fun."

She clicked on the button in the email to RSVP to the event, hoping it would take her mind off the events of the last few days.

***

Roy felt like he was dying, like he had had all of his limbs and appendages ripped off and glued back on with that cheap glue used for elementary school art projects. He was pretty sure ha had never felt more miserable in his entire life.

"Achoo!" he sneezed violently into a Kleenex and groaned as he wiped his nose. He tossed the used tissue into the growing pile next to the bed. Getting run over by a lorry was preferable to the misery he was experiencing.

"Darling? Darling, are you alright?" Roy's mother's voice drifted in from the kitchen.

"Noooo..." Roy moaned as he tried to sit himself up.

"Darling, you just need to go to sleep and rest," his mother said, entering the room with a broom and dust pan and beginning to sweep up the tissue pile. "You'll feel much better."

"I can't sleep, Mum, let alone breathe," Roy whined nasally. "I can't do anything but stare into space and wait for death."

"Don't be silly, dear. I'll go get you the medicine and you'll go right to sleep."

"It's worth a shot...."

His mother smiled and pushed his hair off his forehead. "And a cool towel, I think, yes?"

Roy smiled weakly and nodded as he closed his eyes. He heard his mother leave the room and the phone rang. He groaned and reached for the receiver.

"Alright there, Roy?" Moss asked on the other end.

"No, I'm bloody miserable. Feels like I've been hit by a lorry...."

"That can't be pleasant."

"No, it's not. I'm dying, Moss."

"I doubt that."

"It's true..." Roy sniffled and sneezed again.

"Well, I just called to see how you were getting along," Moss responded. "I'm getting ready for my date tonight. Not sure how it's going to go."

"Just be there and it will go just fine."

"Right...listen, Roy, my mum's made you some soup, could I stop by on my way and drop it off?"

"Sure, my mum will take it. I'm dying...."

"Feel better Roy."

***

"Each table will have five minutes to get to know each other. At the end of the five minutes, if you like each other, exchange numbers and ladies will move on to the next table. Good luck and happy dating!"

Jen glanced nervously around the room. She had worn a new blue dress and some snappy nude colored heels, which made her look fabulous, but at the same time, she felt slightly overdressed. She took a breath and sat down at her designated table. Across the table sat a man with short curly red brown hair and an unshaven face that reminded her quite strongly of Roy.

"Jen," she introduced herself and extended a hand.

"Ronald," the man responded. He didn't have Roy's Irish accent. "So what do you do?"

"I work in IT."

"So, you fix computers?"

"Well, I don't fix them, per se, I do more...problem solving."

"You troubleshoot?"

"Yes," Jen smiled. "That was the word I was looking for!"

"You don't know anything about computers, do you?"

Jen frowned.

She was glad when that five minutes was over.

The next man had short cropped red hair and a Scottish accent.

"So, what do you do?" he asked.

"I work in IT," Jen said.

"IT...IT...What does IT mean, exactly? I've always wondered...."

"IT stands for information terabyte," Jen said confidently.

"No, no, I don't think so...isn't a terabyte a unit of size?"

Jen stared at him blankly. She could tell this was not going to go anywhere either.

The third man had long brown hair that made him look rather womanish and a thick Cockney accent that Jen strained to understand.

"So, what do you do?" Jen asked, hoping to beat him to the punch.

"I'm an independent business owner," he smiled. At least that's what she thought he said.

"Oh, what sort of business?"

"Plastics."

"I'm sorry...?"

"Plastics. It's the next big thing, you know. And you can make almost anything out of plastics: bottles, clothes, chairs, tables...anything you can imagine!"

Jen smiled kindly and nodded.

The fourth man had short brown hair and thick spectacles that made her think that this man would be the result of smashing together Roy and Moss' faces.

"We're pressed for time, so I just want to say up front that I'm looking for a long term relationship that will shortly lead to marriage and children."

"Oh, I see."

"I think you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen," he breathed, leaning closer.

"Thank you..."

"Nothing matters more to me in the world than making a woman happy."

"Oh?"

"I'll please you both in the bed room and in the kitchen."

"Oh..."

"I love gingers. I've always had a thing for ginger women."

"So, so, what do you do, exactly? What is your profession?" Jen said, trying to change the subject.

"Oh, well...I'm unemployed at the moment...."

Jen was more than happy that that five minutes was over.

The ninth man had brown hair styled in a buzz cut and a pronounced nose that reminded her strongly of Christopher Eccleston.

"Hello, I'm Jen."

"Fantastic! I'm the Doctor by the way," he said taking her hand. "You look beautiful!...considering."

"Considering what?"

"That you're human."

"You're not human?" Jen asked, eyes narrowed.

"No, I'm an alien."

"Ah, I see..."

"I like bananas. Bananas are good."

"You're not making sense."

" I might never make sense again! I might have two heads, or no head. Imagine me with no head, ha!"

Jen stared at him, dumbfounded.

The tenth man had short dark brown hair, a crooked smile, and thick rimmed black glasses. Jen could have sworn he was David Tennant.

" Hello! Oka —" he gulped. Jen thought he looked rather nauseated, but recovered. "New teeth. That's weird. So where was I? Name?"

"I'm Jen." The two shook hands.

"The Doctor. Doctor. Fun."

"Oh," Jen smiled, charmed.

"Now, first things first. Be honest. How do I look?"

"You look like David Tennant," Jen blurted before she could stop herself.

"Am I...ginger?"

"No, you're just sort of...brown."

" Aw, I wanted to be ginger! I've never been ginger! Am I rude? Rude and not ginger."

"I'm a ginger," Jen offered.

"Well, exactly, look at you. Not remotely important. But me..." he trailed off.

The eleventh man had a sort of square face, large brown eyes, and wore a bow tie, a close resemblance to Matt Smith, which Jen thought odd.

"There's something you better understand about me, 'cause it's important and one day your life may depend on it," he began dramatically. "Bowties are cool."

"Oh, I definitely agree. So much more posh than a regular tie."

"You're bluffing! There isn't a sincere bone in your body; there isn't a bone in your body."

"I daresay there is. How would I be able to sit up in this chair otherwise?"

"Oh...Yeah, you're right."

Jen was starting to get exasperated with her prospects when she sat down across from Moss, which she thought must surely be a mistake after the night she was having.

"...Moss?"

"Hello Jen," he replied somberly. "How is your night going?"

"Terribly, actually. Yours?"

"Terribly. Seems I got the addresses for the restaurant mixed up and here I am. Or perhaps I was supposed to be here the whole time."

"Well, you're here now," she reasoned. "Did you go by Roy's place with the soup from your mum?"

"Yes, I did. His mum is there taking care of him. He wasn't kidding when he said she looks like the psychiatrist I was seeing a while back...You know we slept together, right?"

"I thought we agreed never to mention that again," Jen said through gritted teeth.

"Seeing Roy's mum brought it back to me. He's told me he can barely look at his mum because of that night that we decided to swap dates."

"Is that what happened?"

"I'm not sure...I was awfully pissed."

"So was I...."

"Then at least that we agree on."

"Hmm."

"I think he was disappointed really," Moss continued. "I think Roy really wanted to sleep with you."

"He did?"

"The way he was dancing with you, the way he was holding you...I may not know much about women, Jen, but I think I have a vague understanding of attraction."

"Ah..."

"I know something...about you and Roy." Moss leaned closer.

"Are you actually going to tell me what that something is?"

"No, but I wanted to know if you had given any more consideration to my offer."

"What offer?"

"£10 that you can't tell Roy how you feel about him."

"Are we on that again?"

"Look, Jen," Moss said, more serious than he normally was, "I like you and I want you to be happy. I like to think of us a good friends."

"Well, thank you," Jen said. "I'm flattered."

"But all of this tension around the office has got to stop. It's wearing on my nerves, especially after this whole 'bird' incident."

"There really was a bird, Moss. I'm still trying to get the poop stains out of my rugs."

"So you say, but my point is, as the most mature person in this relationship, it's your duty to be the bigger man...so to speak." Moss took a sip of the glass of milk in front of him. "Or you can just give me the ten quid now and I'll continue to live with the tension...if I don't explode first."

"Moss," Jen signed and put a stray hair behind her ear. "I can't. I understand what you're saying, but I just can't bring myself to do it. It's only going to lead to more trouble than normal, and I daresay you won't be able to deal with that."

"It's your decision, Jen," Moss shrugged.

***

Jen carefully balanced a grocery bag in one arm while she knocked on Roy's door with the other. A middle age woman answered the door. She had short, wavy red brown hair, a remarkable figure, and did bear a scary resemblance to Moss's psychiatrist.

"You must be Roy's mum. I'm Jen, Roy's manager."

"How lovely to meet you dear," his mother smiled.

"I've just dropped by to see how Roy's getting along and bring him some things." Jen held up the bag.

"He's getting along well, dear, thank you for asking," she said as she took the bag from Jen. "He's so lucky to have such wonderful workmates like you and Moss."

"Yes, I suppose he is..." Jen mused. "It was lovely to meet you, but I should really get to work."

"Of course dear. I'll tell Roy you stopped by."

"Thank you," Jen smiled as his mother shut the door. She stood staring for a moment at the door, thinking about what Moss had said and shook her head. No matter how much a small part of her wanted to tell Roy she loved him, she didn't foresee herself being able to do it. The little gestures would have to be enough...for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Doctor Who quotes taken from http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Ninth_Doctor, http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Tenth_Doctor, and http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Eleventh_Doctor.


	4. When Roy Met Jen...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jen tries unsuccessfully to explain her relationship with Roy to her mother. Roy and Moss go with Jen and her mum to the zoo. Moss doesn't sleep with Roy's mum.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I do not own The IT Crowd, its characters, or anything therein related to the show. 
> 
> The first flashback was rewritten based on the exchange in the first episode.

"So, Roy..." Jen's mother smiled at her from across the table. "What's going on there?"

"It's complicated, mum," Jen sighed. "There's...it's...it's hard to explain, really."

"What's so complicated?"

"Only everything..."

***

"Yes, I believe it was Tolstoy that said...oh, it seems we have a visitor," Roy said as he spotted Jen across the room.

Jen turned and put down the comic she was reading. So these were the 'standard nerds' Reynholm had been talking about.

"I'm sorry, myself and Maurice were just engaging in a serious discussion about books and such," Roy grinned. "We didn't hear you come in." 

"Wait a second," Moss said turning to Roy, "you said it was Tolstoy who said what?"

"Ah, never mind that now, Maurice."

"When have you read Tolstoy?" Moss asked indignantly.

"Sh..sh..shut up, Maurice..."

"Why are you speaking in that weird voice? When...why did you...I don't remember this conversation at all!"

Roy laughed jovially. Moss looked confused.

"Don't, don't let me disturb you, I just wanted to come down to..." Jen began.

"No, no, don't be silly, you would never disturb us..." Roy started as he leaned against his desk chair, which promptly rolled out from under him and he fell to the floor with a crash. Jen stood with her lips pursed, wondering if she should go and help him or not.

Roy reappeared, a dribble of blood coming from his temple. "Oh, um...many people come down here to visit."

"What are you talking about?" Moss asked, turning to face Roy. "Who comes down? What people?"

Roy threw a small red object at Moss, hoping that he would shut up.

Moss was unperturbed. "Why are you giving me the secret signal to shut up?"

"SO," Roy continued. "Um, what can we do you for?"

Jen grinned and stepped closer. "I'm the new head of this department," she said nervously.

Roy looked slightly annoyed and taken aback.

"Is this my office?" Jen asked, pointing to the open office door behind her. She turned and quickly went in to the other room.

Roy stepped out from behind his desk. "What...what did she...did she just say what I thought she...I'M the head of this department!" Roy pointed at himself emphatically.

"I thought I was..." Moss frowned.

"It's one of us!" Roy gesticulated wildly. "It's certainly not her! I'm going to sort this out." He walked purposefully toward the office where Jen had just run in.

"Roy, you've got a head wound there...HEAD WOUND!" Moss shouted after him.

Roy approached the office, stood in the doorway and rapped smartly on the door to get Jen's attention. She adjusted the keyboard in front of her and looked up.

"Hi. I don't want to be rude or anything, but, uh, I wasn't informed of any changes to this department," Roy said in what he felt was his most authoritative voice.

"Oh, did they not...tell you about me?" Jen asked, adjusting herself in the desk chair.

Roy paused and shook his head. "Nooo...and, uh, we are perfectly fine down here, thank you very much. We're more than capable of taking care of ourselves."

"Sure, sure," Jen nodded. "You know you've got a little blood," she said, making a circle around her face with her hand.

When Roy emerged from the office, he tried to slam the door behind him but it popped back open. "I'm not going to be able to deal with that woman!" he shouted as he pointed behind him.

***

Jen's mother shook her head. "I don't believe any of that for a second."

"It's true!" Jen said between bites of her dinner. "Quite frankly, I still don't think he's able to deal with me."

"But he seems like such a sweet man!"

"I think he's putting on a good face for you, mum. He has a tendency to seem more charming than he actually is...or at least make himself seem much more charming." Like finding her a cab after that awful date with Phillip from sixth, she thought.

"But I seem to recall you telling me that you often go to him for help," Mrs. Barber smiled.

"I'm his boss...and most of the time he's the one that's gotten me into trouble...."

"It's certainly couldn't be that you seem to attract drama wherever you go."

"This isn't drama...just a lot of...misunderstandings...." Jen sipped her tea. She wasn't about to admit that the first time they had gotten pissed together and almost slept together, it had been her idea; that he was usually the one she went to when she was in trouble; that he was, in his own strange way, looking out for her when he told her not to get too addicted to FriendFace, or not to go to that school reunion, or not to help Douglas when his second wife sued him....

"It just seems like an awfully strange relationship to have with one's workmate, that's all."

"I suppose...but he comes to me, too!" Jen protested. It didn't come off as Jen defending herself, so much as she might as well have admitted to her mother's suspicions: that there was something more than what was on the surface of her strange friendship with Roy.

***

The whole thing had been a complete accident that in hindsight, Jen thought she should have seen coming. She should have known that Roy might come by after he recovered from his illness to thank her for the magazines, that he didn't want to acknowledge that she had done something for him in front of Moss.

"Hey," she said as she peeked her head out of the front door. "What are you doing here?"

"Just wanted to...thank you...you know...for the magazines...they really helped...with my recovery and all." He shifted uncomfortably on the doorstep. "I'll see you at work then."

"No, no, actually, since my mum is visiting, I'm taking the day off."

"Oh, that's right. Your mum's in town," Roy nodded.

"Yeah, yeah...so, I'll just see you in a couple of days then?"

Roy nodded. "You'll come back right?"

"What do you mean?"

"You'll come back? This isn't just a ruse to cover up the fact that you're leaving us?"

"No, no, no, no. Why would you think that?"

"It's happened before..." Roy trailed off.

"I promise it won't happen again," Jen said quickly, suddenly anxious to see Roy leave. "Now stop slacking off and get to work!"

"Jenny, dear? Who is that at the door?" asked a voice from inside Jen's apartment.

"Just the newspaper!" Jen called.

"You've been standing there too long for it to be the newspaper," the voice said as it came closer. "Why can't you just tell me who it is?"

The door opened a little further to reveal Jen's mother. She was a short, round woman with straight red hair like her daughter and bright green eyes. She looked Roy up and down.

"Who is this, Jen? One of your workmates or one of your boyfriends?"

Jen sighed, defeated. "Mum, this is Roy. Roy this is my mum Georgia."

"Hello, Georgia," Roy smiled. Jen noticed for the first time since they had been talking that he was clean shaven. "It's so lovely to meet you. Jen's told us so much about you."

"What a shame, since it seems my daughter has told me nothing about you..."

"For good reason," Jen muttered.

"What was that, dear?"

"Nothing. Roy was just leaving to go to work."

"Oh? Are you sure you couldn't stay for some breakfast?" Mrs. Barber asked

"I'd love to!" Roy grinned even wider. Jen gaped at him as her mother held the door open to let him in.

"Mum, what are you doing?!"

"Oh, Jenny, no harm in feeding the man breakfast!"

Jen frowned as she shut the door to her flat, her carefully laid plans now disturbed.

***

"I've always liked Irishmen," Mrs. Barber said. "Such nice people...so wild in the sack..."

"Mum, for god's sake!"

"I'm telling you Jenny, those Irishmen know how to please a girl."

"We're in public!" Jen whispered. "Besides, I wouldn't know!"

"I highly recommend it."

"Oh, mum...really?"

"Learn to expand your horizons Jen. Speaking of which," she paused to take a sip of her tea, "Are you sure you're doing well on your own?"

"Yes, mum, I'm doing just fine. It's not my idea job situation to be sure, but it's a job. I have enough experience now I could go get any other job I wanted."

"But you don't want to..." Mrs. Barber looked at Jen over the edge of her teacup.

"I suppose not...I've...I've wanted to get other jobs. I've had interviews for other jobs. But Moss and Roy need me. They'd be helpless without me."

"Do they need you or do you need them?"

Jen paused and thought. She'd developed a sort of symbiotic relationship with the men of IT and she did feel a sort of emptiness when she thought of leaving them. And she knew that they missed her too when she was gone or trying to explore new job options.

"Just think about what you want to do with your life. I don't want to think that I raised my girl to just settle with whatever happens to come along."

"I'm not settling mum...at least I don't like to think so."

"I trust you dear, but it's also my place to worry about you."

"I know, I know..."

"I've got a splendid idea: why don't we invite your workmates out for a nice lunch while I'm here?"

Jen nearly choked on her tea."No. No. Definitely not."

"Why not, dear?"

"They're..they have to work mum?"

"It's just lunch, dear."

***

Jen should have known it would not be 'just lunch' as her mum promised. By the end of her conversation with Moss, it had suddenly turned into a grand outing.

"We should take your mum to the zoo!" Moss exclaimed.

"No, no, Moss. it's just a lunch."

"At the zoo! Come on, it's such fun."

"As I recall the last time you were at the zoo, a llama tried to eat your hair."

Silence. Then, "I don't want to go near the llamas."

"That's fine, we don't have to see the llamas."

"But what about the jungle cats? Lions and tigers, Jen. Those won't eat me."

"True, true."

"So it's settled then - lunch at the zoo. See you then," Moss said as he hung up.

Jen looked perturbed and hung up the phone. She had a sneaking feeling this was not going to end well. But for the moment, things were just fine. Moss and Roy were managing to act relatively normal, and Roy's mum had even been able to join them.

"So, Georgia, tell me again how is it you can let your daughter in the company of Roy and Moss?" Mrs. Trenneman asked.

"Well, I couldn't stand it much when she left, but since I know she's got this successful career and these wonderful men in her life, I can't very well expect much more."

Jen snorted. Though she knew her mother was proud of her, she couldn't help but hear a bit of disappointment in her voice.

"Yes, Maurice and Roy are wonderful boys, aren't they?" Mrs. Trenneman smiled at Roy and Moss, who were sitting squeezed onto one of the small benches between the two mothers. They looked uncomfortable above all else. Roy managed what might have been a smile but looked like more of a grimace.

"I want to see the lions next," Moss said.

"Then let's go see the lions next!" Mrs. Barber said gleefully as she got up to throw away the trash in a nearby waste bin.

"That's what I'm most excited about," Moss confessed as everyone began to migrate away from the table. "They're such majestic and fierce creatures. King of the Jungle, to use the common expression."

"You're so smart, Maurice," cooed Mrs. Trenneman.

Roy caught Moss's arm and whispered in his ear, "Don't sleep with my mother!"

"Is that what's been bothering you, Roy?" Moss inquired. "No need to worry, I wouldn't dream of it." He tottled off to where the mothers had gone up the path and walked between them, leaving Roy and Jen behind.

"So..." Roy said.

"So..." Jen said.

"This is a nice little...outing."

"It wasn't supposed to be, believe me. All I wanted was a nice quiet visit with my mum and then you had to come over..."

"Did you not want me to come over? I only thought it was the polite thing to do after you sent me those magazines."

"It was polite, but I don't understand why it couldn't have waited until I got back."

"It would have been embarrassing...in front of Moss and all..."

"Why would that be embarrassing?" Jen folded her arms across her chest. Even though it wasn't a work day, she was still dressed in a nice blouse, a short skirt, and heels.

"Because...because Moss knows something...about us..." Roy shifted uncomfortably. "He knows something he shouldn't...and he's trying to use it against me."

Jen stopped walking and stared straight forward. So, it was Roy that said something to Moss (clearly on accident) and then Moss had told her.

"What exactly does he know?" Jen asked slowly.

"It was something I said when I was drunk...just forget it."

"Roy..."

"Jen! Roy! Are you coming?" Moss called. "We're starting to get suspicious up here!"

"Yes, we're coming!" Jen called and raced ahead of Roy to join her mother. Roy bit his lip. Something very strange was going on, and he'd be damned if he wasn't going to get to the bottom of it.


	5. Miniature Disasters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Douglas and Roy tell each other their true feelings for Jen. Jen's mum gives her some unsolicited advice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I do not own The IT Crowd, its characters, or anything therein related to the show.

Douglas sat at his desk and stared at Mrs. Barber, who stared back at him. From the couch, Mrs. Reynholm stared at Jen, who was completely oblivious, being more concerned with the fact that Douglas and her mother were having a stare down.

"My father liked to size people up with a long, hard stare," Douglas explained, breaking the silence.

"Ah, I see..." Mrs. Barber said.

The staring continued and for a full minute the room was completely and utterly silent.

"So," said Douglas.

"So," said Mrs. Barber.

"You're Jen's mum." 

"Yes."

"You're quite beautiful. I can see where Jen gets her good looks."

"Douglas, stop trying to get in everyone's pants!" Mrs. Reynholm shouted from the couch.

"Mother, I'm not trying to get in her pants, I'm giving her a compliment. But I do enjoy a little sexual endeavor every so often."

"Constantly, more like. You really don't understand why they give you these awards for being a complete arsehole?"

Douglas cringed, remembering his Shithead of the Year award, which he had thrown out the window a few months back. Jen shifted uncomfortably in her seat.

"Mum, I really think we should get going..." Jen smiled nervously.

"Yes, we really must go," Mrs. Barber smiled. Jen was glad that she appeared to be taking the hint. "Only have a few more hours to spend with my daughter before I leave."

"No! So soon?" Douglas whined. "I was hoping for a nice mother/children luncheon."

"Not today, I'm afraid. Next time, eh?" Jen laughed. Neither Douglas nor his mother looked horribly amused by this.

"Well, alright, you've convinced me," Douglas sighed. "But I'm holding you to it, Jen. Mark my works, there will be lunching." Jen blinked uncomfortably and slowly backed out of the room, taking her mother with her. Once they were out in the hall, Jen breathed a sigh of relief.

"What a horrible little man!" Mrs. Barber exclaimed. "I had hoped you were joking when you told me he was a pervert."

"I'm never joking about Douglas," Jen said, suddenly serious. "He's done nothing but cause trouble for me ever since he took over the company."

"How long has that been, dear?"

"Oh..." Jen frowned. "Almost seven years now...?"

"Goodness! You would think he'd have been slapped with several lawsuits by now."

"Oh, believe me, he has, but I'll you what. The reward for calling his misbehavior to the attention of the rest of the world doesn't warrant much relief. I told you about my lawsuit, didn't I?"

"Yes, yes I remember you telling me..." She paused. "Does he still wear those electric pants like he is supposed to?"

"No, sadly, they malfunctioned, so I just have to keep on my toes."

"I think you would anyway, regardless of whether he was wearing those pants."

"Ah, that's true, true," Jen mused. "Shall we go out then?"

***

"So, Roy, are you excited?" Moss asked as he paused from his typing to look toward his colleague. 

"Excited about what?"

"Jen's mum's leaving today..."

"Yeah..."

"So that means she'll be coming back to work."

Roy didn't say anything. Moss waited, but his impatience was getting the better of him.

"She's coming back to work," Moss prompted, "and you two will be able to talk."

"Talk about what?" Roy was starting to get annoyed. "What are you getting at?"

"Feelings, Roy. Feelings."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"You never do!" Moss said as he stood up. "You never want to talk about anything with anyone, and quite frankly, it's hurting me more than it's hurting you."

"What are you talking about?"

"All this pent-up tension around the office is stressing me out. My whole schedule is being thrown out of whack. My body is rebelling as a reaction to all of the anxious feelings...."

Roy just stared at him.

"Why won't you just tell her?"

"Tell her what, exactly, Moss? That I got drunk and admitted to you something that I swore I would never tell another human being?"

"I hate to tell you this, but you've been doing that for years," Moss said matter of factly.

"I'm not going to do it!"

"Both of you are being ridiculous! Jen even offered to give me the ten quid because she didn't want to admit it either."

This got Roy's attention. "Get her to admit what?"

"Nothing. I've said too much. I need to wee." Moss rushed out of the room, leaving Roy at his desk alone, staring after him. That little bastard!

Roy was brought back to reality when the phone rang. He let it ring four or five times before he answered it.

"Hello, IT. Have you tried turning it off and on again?" He paused and listened. "Have you tried turning it on, that might make it work better." He slammed the phone down. Now on top of Moss's taunting, he was irritated. Why was nothing going right this week?

The phone rang again. Roy put his feet up on the desk, hands behind his head and tried to lean back in his chair. He tipped sideways and wound up on the floor. He lay on the floor for a second before popping back up and answering the phone.

"Hello, IT. Have you tried turning it off and on again? I need a new catchphrase." He paused. "What? The start menu...yeah, start menu...it's that little button on the corner of the screen...what do you mean there's no screen?"

***

Roy bent over in the office chair and unplugged one of the cables in the back of the computer. "How about now?"

"No, still nothing," said the tall, leggy blond behind him, biting her nails.

Roy sighed. This was ridiculous; everything was plugged in, so he didn't understand what the problem could be.... Roy peeked his head above the desk and glanced at the monitor. There was no light on on the monitor. It was turned off. Roy smiled to himself and ducked back under the desk.

"How about now?"

"It's still not on," she sighed. "I'll back, I'm going to get a cup of coffee."

"Oh, could you get one for me...too..." he trailed off as she walked away from her cubicle. He popped back above the desk, turned on the monitor and went back down the hall. He was almost to the elevator when another blond approached him.

"You're from IT, right?"

Roy resisted the urge to make a sarcastic comment and answered, "Yes, are you having a computer problem?"

"Yes, it's just not working and I've tried everything."

"Have you tried turning it off and on again?"

"That's just it; I turned it off and it won't turn back on again," she pouted. Roy smiled. If he played his cards right, he could have this girl eating out of the palm of his hand.

"Alright, show me," he gestured after her. She giggled and sauntered down the hall as Roy walked after her. He liked watching the girls walk....

The girl lead him to her cubicle and gestured helplessly at the computer. "Well, let's see what the problem is..." Roy said ducking under her desk.

He heard footsteps behind him as the first blond came to join the other. "Oh here's your coffee, Ann."

"Oh thanks, Sharon." Roy heard the girls sipping the coffee and then he felt something rest on his shoulder blades. She'd put her coffee cup on him.

"Here's the problem," Roy announced as he plugged in the computer. Ann was barely able to grab her coffee before he got up and stalked toward the elevator.

***

"How was it then, Roy?" Moss asked as Roy entered the department.

"I got a cup on my back again."

"No!"

Roy turned around a pointed to a cup ring stain on the back of his shirt.

"The nerve!"

"These people are going to kill me Moss! I'm going to lose my mojo."

"I wouldn't call it mojo so much as I would call it dumb luck...pure coincidence." Roy glared at him. "Come on, honestly."

"I suppose you're right," Roy said as the phone rang again. "Hello, IT? Have you tried turning it off and on again? Have you tried plugging it in?" He hung up and shook his head.

"You're right," Moss said. "We do need a new catchphrase."

***

Jen sipped her tea in silence as she pushed a piece of leftover lettuce around in her plate. Her mother watched her, holding her own cup of tea between her hands.

"Something's still bothering you."

"What? No, no...just...does this lettuce look wilted to you? Maybe it wasn't very good..."

"I think the lettuce was fine, dear. I think it's something else."

"It's not," Jen insisted. "It's not."

"I think you love him," Mrs. Barber smiled.

"Him who?"

"That man you work with, Roy."

"I think you've got it wrong, mum." Jen soberly sipped at her tea. "He's just a friend."

"He must be a pretty good friend if you're going bringing him magazines and bribing him to pose as your husband at a school reunion...calling him to help you get a bird out of your bathroom..."

"How did you know about the bird?"

"I'm not a fool, dear," Mrs. Barber mused. "There's more there than you're willing to acknowledge."

"I don't..."

"You don't have to admit anything to me, dear, but I might suggest saying something to him...before the chance is gone."

"You're not the first person to tell me that," Jen said after a pause. 

"And I probably won't be the last," Mrs. Barber smiled.

***

The phone was ringing again, but neither Moss nor Roy was willing to answer it. They were far too absorbed in a round of Halo to care about other people's business.

"Cover me," Roy mumbled.

"No, you need to cover me!"

Gunshots came from the TV. "Come on!" Roy growled.

The phone started to ring again.

"Doesn't anyone answer the phone around here?" Jen asked as she rushed in. Roy and Moss turned around as she answered the phone. "Hello, IT? Yes, Douglas...you need help with what? Alright I'll send someone up. No, I will send someone up, goodbye." She hung up and crossed her arms.

"You're back," Moss said. "How was lunch with your mum?"

"Good, good. Douglas needs help with the computer, so could one of you..." she waved a finger at them and pointed upstairs. "I'll be in my office." She went into the office and closed the door. Roy and Moss stared at the closed door, which opened a moment later. "Soon, please." Jen said and stuck her head back inside her office.

"Well, I'm certainly not going up there by myself," Moss shook his head. "I still have nightmares about the last time I was up in that office."

"I thought you said you didn't remember," Roy said.

"I don't...but I remember being locked in that room with him..." Moss shuttered.

"Do you want me to go up there too?"

"Please Roy, I can't do this alone."

***

There was a soft knock on the office door but Douglas didn't look up from examining the closed laptop.

"Come in," he said loudly. Roy and Moss peeked tentatively into his office.

"You called about a computer problem?" Roy asked.

"Yes, yes. I can't seem to get this thing open." Douglas continued to flip the laptop over and over.

"Oh, well, that's easy enough," Roy said as he came through the door. Moss remained standing in the doorway, holding the door handle tightly. "We'll just take care of this here...." Roy took the laptop from Douglas, set it on the desk, opened it, and stepped away. "Was that all?"

"Yes..." Douglas pursed his lips and rested his chin on folded hands. "Could you just turn that on for me please?"

Roy blinked at him stupidly, but reached over slowly and turned the laptop on.

"Excellent." Douglas smiled and turned the laptop around so that it faced him. 

"Can we go now?" Moss asked nervously from the doorway.

"I called you boys up here because I need some help," Douglas said.

"With the computer," Roy gestured. "Yes, and we fixed that for you."

"No, I have lady troubles."

"I'm not sure we're the right people to be asking about that," Moss said slowly.

"No, no, you see, you're the perfect people to be asking!" Roy and Moss stared at him, dumbfounded. "You manage to surround yourselves with beautiful women without even trying...and I could have any woman I wanted, but not the one I want."

"I'm confused, what do you need us for?" Moss asked.

"I want Jen," Douglas announced.

"You can't have her," Roy growled.

"What?" Moss and Douglas chorused.

"You can't have her, she doesn't want you, so just let it alone!"

"What are you saying?" Douglas asked. "Of course she...."

"No, Douglas, no." Roy's hands curled into fists. "You can't have her."

"Why not?" Douglas stood emphatically.

"Because I love her."

"You what?" Douglas looked taken aback.

"You what?" Moss exclaimed from the doorway.

"I...love her!" Roy gestured wildly. "So stay away from her!" He turned and stormed out of Douglas' office.

"Well this is a surprising turn of events now, isn't it?" Moss smiled gleefully and ran after Roy.


	6. She Just Happened to Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jen tries to get Moss to tell her what he knows. Douglas throws a company part. Jen and Roy are finally honest with each other (for once!).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I do not own The IT Crowd, its characters, or anything therein related to the show.

"Have you heard about the party?" Moss asked.

"What party?" Roy was slumped on his desk in front of his computer, clicking his mouse absent-mindedly.

"The company party."

"Since when have you been excited about company parties?"

"It's not in the office. It's at a bar."

"Great. I can barely deal with people sober and now you're suggesting I got to a party where they're all going to be pissed?"

"I wasn't suggesting that at all," Moss said. "Don't shoot the messenger. You've been awfully on edge lately, ever since you told Douglas..."

"Sh...sh..shut up Moss!" Roy stuttered as Jen came in to the department.

"Oh, Jen, did you hear?"

"Hear what?" Jen turned halfway to her office.

"There's going to be a company party." Moss grinned.

"That's interesting," Jen nodded.

"At a bar."

"Oh god. I can barely deal with these people sober, I have to go to a party where they're going to be pissed?"

"Funny, Roy was just saying the same thing."

"It's not mandatory, is it?"

"No, I don't think so." Moss scanned his computer screen. "The invite doesn't say."

"It doesn't seem in my best interest to go, then, even if Douglas is paying for drinks." Jen disappeared into her office and closed the door behind her.

"That's it," Moss said standing up from his desk. "I can't take it anymore!"

"Take what?" Roy asked listlessly.

"I'm going to have to stage an intervention."

"For who?"

"I think you mean 'for whom' and for you and Jen."

"What?" Roy turned on Moss. "We don't need an intervention. There's nothing going on!"

"Nothing going on with what? Why are you shouting?" Jen asked as she emerged from her office.

"Nothing! Nothing! Absolutely nothing!" Roy yelled and stalked out of the room.

"What's wrong with him?" Jen pointed after Roy.

"I've no idea...couldn't be Aunt Irma again, could it? I have been feeling rather bloated..."

"No, no, she came a few weeks ago..." Jen waved a hand dismissively and was about to go back into her office when she stopped and turned back toward Moss. "I think you know something you're not telling me Moss...something I...need to know..."

Moss sprayed his hot ear. Jen smiled and sat down on the edge of his desk. 

"Come on, Moss," she leaned closer. "Just tell me what's going on." She slowly began to unbutton her jacket. "You'll feel better if you just tell me. I know you've been suffering from some...tension...lately..."

Moss squirmed uncomfortably and sprayed his ear again.

"Come on, just tell me...."

"Jen, I have to tell you, this is making me very uncomfortable."

"That's the idea," she whispered. Moss blinked at her and tried to scoot away. Jen grabbed the chair and pulled him back. "What are you hiding?"

"I'm not hiding anything Jen, but I think you are."

Jen drew back from him. "I'm not hiding anything."

"Yes you are. You're hiding your feelings."

"What feelings?"

Moss stood up abruptly. "I've said too much."

"What feelings are you talking about!?" Jen grabbed Moss by the tie and pulled him so close that their noses were touching. "Maurice Moss, you are going to tell me everything you know right now or so help me I will strangle you with this tie!" she seethed.

"You're in love with Roy," Moss squeaked.

"Say again?" Jen loosened her grip on his tie.

"I know you're in love with Roy," Moss repeated.

"Oh god...Oh my god...oh god..." Jen released Moss and got up to pace back and forth between his desk and her office. Moss fixed his tie and sprayed his ear again. "When...when...what..." Jen sputtered.

"I've long suspected that you've had a thing for him, but I've only recently confirmed it."

"Oh god..."

"So it's true then?"

"Maybe." Jen looked pained. "You can't tell anyone!" she said hurriedly.

"Why would I do that, Jen?"

"Oh god...you haven't told Roy have you?"

"No. Roy's got enough troubles without knowing your secret."

"What secret?" Roy had appeared in the doorway. Jen and Moss whipped around to face him.

"No secret!" Jen said quickly. "No, no, no. We...we have...there's no secrets here...is there?" Jen laughed uncomfortably and turned to Moss.

"I have no idea what she is talking about," Moss supplied.

"Something's going on here," Roy said, suspicious.

"Why would you think that?" Jen said, remembering to re-button her jacket.

"Oh I don't know Jen, perhaps because you two seem to have gotten quite cozy lately?"

"We're definitely not cozy," Moss protested. "This whole situation is downright uncomfortable, and frankly, it's stressing me out."

"What could possibly be stressing you out?"

"Oh, I think you know Roy. I think you know."

"Know what?"

"You know that I know something about you...something you don't want Jen to know." Moss' eyes narrowed; so did Roy's. Jen looked back and forth between them, wondering if they were going to fight and if she should get out of the way.

"Hold on, hold on...what are you talking about?" Jen asked.

"Roy's got secrets same as you Jen."

"What secrets? You two are driving me crazy!"

"I'm bi," Roy blurted.

"What?" Jen and Moss looked at Roy, utterly shocked.

"That's not it," Moss protested.

"Yes it is," Roy said as he moved toward his desk.  
"That's not...I don't even...When have you ever been bi?" Roy responded by throwing a stress ball at him. "Why are you giving me the secret signal to shut up?"

Jen shook her head. "I don't know what's going on or what...what..secrets you could possibly be hiding, but somebody better tell me what the bloody hell is going on!!" She looked angrily from Roy to Moss. "No one? No one wants to volunteer? Fine then. Well, when you're ready to talk, I'll be in my office." She turned on her heel and went into her office, slamming the door behind her.

***

"I still don't understand why you dragged me to this thing Moss," Roy said taking a sip of his beer.

"I don't like to drink alone, you know that." Moss sipped at his milk through a brightly colored swizzle straw. "It's so much better with a swizzle straw."

Roy took another sip of his beer. He had told Moss he would stay as long as it took for him to finish one beer and then he was going to leave. Everyone seemed to be having a good time drinking and dancing, even Douglas was attempting the bump and grind with two of the girls from seventh. Roy shook his head and glanced toward the door just as Jen appeared. Roy smiled and waved at her. She smiled and waved back as he got up from his seat and came toward her.

"Didn't think you would be here," Roy said.

"Didn't think you would be here either," she said as she took off her coat. She was wearing a soft, blue blouse with a short black skirt and black heels. The blouse was unbuttoned just enough that Roy could have looked down her shirt, but he thought better of it.

"But you came," he said. 

"Yeah, well, I just thought after the week I've had, I just want to get completely pissed and not remember what happened."

Roy smiled. "We've done that before, haven't we?"

"Yeah, I suppose we have..."

"Anyway," Roy continued. "I just wanted to apologize for what whole 'bi' thing earlier."

"Oh, stop," Jen laughed. "I was being completely unreasonable." They stood in silence for a moment before Roy spoke again.

"Can I get you a drink? Douglas is paying..."

"Yes, that sounds wonderful."

Roy lead her to the bar where she ordered some fruity girly drink with a piece of pineapple and an umbrella and they found a table in the back corner that was relatively quiet where they could watch the party. 

After a couple of drinks, Jen dragged Moss on to the dance floor and they danced for a couple of numbers before Douglas decided to cut in and they retreated back to the table.

After two more drinks, Moss had hooked up with a girl from sixth and they were slow dancing to some Coldplay number that was making Roy wish he'd brought some earplugs.

After a sixth round of drinks, Roy could feel his head starting to get pleasantly fuzzy.

"Do you remember when you came in to my school reunion and wanted me to tell everyone that I was in love with you?" Jen asked.

"Yeah," Roy mused. "I remember. You were just standing there, and I took you by the shoulders, begging you to tell everyone you loved me."

"I was so scared...I wanted to run out of the room screaming...but I just froze."

"I did put you on the spot...."

"You completely ruined my evening."

"You've ruined your fair share of my evenings too," Roy said shaking his head.

"What are you talking about? What evenings have I ruined for you?" Jen made a face as she finished the rest of her drink.

"The calendar for the boss-eyeds?" Roy leaned forward. "I couldn't get those grans and nerds out of my head! It completely ruined my evening with Kimberly. I can't even look at her anymore."

"You can still look at me, though..." She turned toward him and smiled. Her cheeks were pink and flushed. If she wasn't pissed, she was going to be if she had another drink.

"Yeah, well...do you want to dance?" he asked.

"Yeah, yeah, I'd like a dance."

They stumbled toward the dance floor together and Roy clumsily wrapped his arms around her waist and Jen wrapped hers around his neck. Roy closed his eyes and they swayed to the beat of the music.

"Jen?"

"Yes?"

"I have to tell you something."

"Yes?"

Roy sighed and breathed in the scent of her shampoo and perfume. "Jen, I love you."

Jen took her head off his chest and looked up into his eyes. "What?"

"I love you, Jen." She continued to stare at him. "Please say something."

"I love you too, Roy," she breathed as she pulled his face toward hers and they kissed. He was surprised that she had made the first move, but he recovered quickly from the shock and pulled her closer so that their bodies were pressed together. The broke apart a few minutes later, breathing heavily.

"We should go..." Roy said.

"Yeah, we should...one more drink though."

"Oh, I think we've had plenty."

"For courage," Jen said.  
"You admitted you love me, how much more courage do you need?"

"I did, didn't I?" She paused. "Moss owes me £10."

"What? Since when did..."

"Shut up and kiss me." Roy was more than happy to oblige.

***

The next morning, Roy woke up with his arms wrapped around Jen, tangled in the sheets of her bed. He nuzzled her neck and kissed her cheek. She smiled and rolled over.

"Morning," she yawned.

"Morning," he smiled.

"Are we both naked?"

"I think so, yes, why?"

"Oh...did we...?" she trailed off.

"Yes."

"And was it..."

"Yes." He kissed her forehead. "Shall I give you a repeat performance?"

"Stop it!" she giggled as they started kissing again.

The door flew open and Moss stood in the doorway, wearing Jen's flowery robe.

"Are you ready for another round, ladies?"

Roy and Jen screamed.

***

Jen woke with a start and looked around frantically.

"What's wrong? What happened?" Roy asked, sitting up next to her.

"I just...I just had this awful dream...oh god...are we...did we...?"

Roy's eyes widened. "I need to get out of here."

"No, no, no," she said, grabbing his arm. "Stay."

"...It's okay?"

"Yeah, I mean..." Jen bit her lip. "I want you to stay."

"Even after..."

"Well, it wasn't so awful...what I remember anyway..."

Roy smiled and kissed her. "Then I'll stay," he said as he rolled back into bed and pulled her close.

"This isn't going to be awkward at work is it?" she asked.

"It's going to be terribly awkward."

"I don't know if I'm mature enough for this. I didn't think this through...I wasn't going to say anything, but then there was Moss and...and there was you..."

"I wasn't going to say, either," Roy admitted. "But...you're just this amazing, beautiful woman...and I didn't want to screw it up...I'm never drinking again."

"I highly doubt that," Jen said as she traced a circle on his shoulder. "Am I just going to be another story then? Slept with a girl after you'd been drinking all evening?"

Roy shook his head. "No, not this time. I won't let you be just another one night stand."

They kissed and Roy sighed heavily. "I need hangover food...."


End file.
